You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
me + whiskey = a bad person
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
