I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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