My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
