I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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