1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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