I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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