Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
