Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
