I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
