no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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