Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need to calm my uterus...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
