How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I wish there were birth control emojis
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
