The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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