I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
