Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
