i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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