i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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