i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
