i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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