awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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