Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Bring me that man meat
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
