Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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