I didn't shave. On purpose
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
