Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
