is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
