Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
