Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
