she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
