is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I am available for nakedness
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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