Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
