Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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