Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
