Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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