don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
