At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
