The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
