If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
