So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My vagina is officially offended.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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