remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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