that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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