if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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