he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
