Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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