I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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