my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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