saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
