I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
