cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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