My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
