You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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