when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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