the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
